05 Sep 10 Joke – face to face with a lion
“Yes, I came face to face with a lion once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a gun.” “What did you do?” “What could I do? First, I tried looking straight into his eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer. I had to think fast.” “How did you get away?” “I just left him and passed on to another cage.”
05 Sep 10 Joke – im not saying shes easy but
I’m Not Saying She’s Easy, But… She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham. She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum. She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker. She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood. She’s turned more tricks than Harry Houdini. She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak. She’s been mounted more often than Trigger. She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins. She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope. She’s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare. She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s Cube She’s spent more time under men than barstools. She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge. She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes. She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan. She’s had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima. Her body has been declared a national recreation area. Her diaphragms come with a service contract. She has an IUD with a beeper. She uses industrial strength douche. Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest. Her underwear is by Rubbermaid. Her pantyhose has a pet door.
05 Sep 10 Joke – Dating
THE DICTIONARY OF DATING ATTRACTION – the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. PRIG – a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married. EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.” INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. FRIGID – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown. SOBER – condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. NAG – a man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.
05 Sep 10 Joke – republican vs democrat
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.” “You must be a republican engineer,” said the balloonist. “I am,” replied the woman, “how did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, your presentation is direct, to the point with no fluff or BS, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.” The woman below responded, “You must be a democrat manager.” “I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it’s my fault.”
04 Sep 10 Joke – 10 Ways To Treat Mr. Penis
10 Ways To Treat Mr. Penis 1. You’ve gotta ‘introduce’ yourself to Mr. Penis, i.e., ‘Hi! I’m Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy!’. Don’t dive on him like he’s a raw piece of meat and you’re a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first. 2. When (Not ‘IF’) giving oral sex, don’t suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man’s eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive ‘guy’. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who ‘Melts’ the popsicle first is not the winner. 3. When sitting on top of a man, don’t move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you’re gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man’s crotch. Mr. Penis is not made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, remember you are not a basketball net, and Mr. Penis is not the ball… your aim is not that good, you’re 100 + Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis. 4. Hand jobs – When stroking a Mr. Penis don’t grab him like a bus rail and start jerking him like you were milking a cow. Don’t treat Mr. Penis as a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. Remember friction is the problem… lubrication is the cure. 5. Proper care of Mr. Penis – like anyone you wanna keep around for a while you’ve gotta take good care of him just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him – gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You’ll get years of use out of him that way. 6. If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he’s just being coy, refer back to step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you! 7. Never, ever play ‘crush the grapes’ with Mr. Penis’s two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July. 8. If you’re a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee. 9. If Mr. Penis can’t ‘throw up’ then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him… not everyone can get him to do that. 10. If you don’t want Mr. Penis so deep, don’t say, ‘Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing… drilling for oil?’ Say, ‘Wow you’re much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?’ And never, never say ‘Is it in?’
04 Sep 10 Joke – knights best friend
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend “My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.” The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend. He said ” Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!”
04 Sep 10 Joke – appreciation of snow
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor. I wonder why he swears so much when he is shoveling though. December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all. This winter is certainly cutting into my budget. Sheesh! December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt, and injured my coccyx. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 8 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room. Damned food spoiled in the freezer too! December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freakin’ snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think the bastard is lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till Thanksgiving. Took me 45 fuckin minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…freakin nuts??? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying. This place is startin to piss me off. December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin’ snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of this bullshit. How much fucking slop is going to drop tonight? Snowed in again. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her. The police tell me that it happens all the time and that I probably will not go to jail for assault, but I think they are lying! December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves. That bitch just sits there crocheting and remarking how nice the snow is. Let her take a fucking shovel for once in her life. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. Sweet mother of Jesus…whenever will it be spring. December 28: Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!! I may have to user her crochet for kindling. That’ll teach the winter lovin tramp. December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? I know h is lying. December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted. December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling! January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
04 Sep 10 Joke – penguin sundae
A penguin was driving through Arizona on a hot, summer Sunday when he noticed his oil light was on. He got out of the car and, sure enough, it was leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drove around the corner to a service station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic said he had a few others to look at first but if he came back in an hour he could tell the penguin what was wrong with his car. The penguin agreed and went for a walk. He found an ice-cream shop and thought a big bowl of vanilla ice cream would really hit the spot, since he was a penguin and it was Arizona in the summer, after all. He sat down at the counter and started in on his ice cream. Of course he had no hands so it was rather messy. By the time he was done he had ice cream all over his flippers, and his mouth was a total mess. He walked back to the service station and said to the mechanic, “Did you find out what is wrong with my car?” The mechanic replied, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.” “No no,” said the penguin. “It’s just ice cream.”
04 Sep 10 Joke – disabled swimming contest
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my !@#$% ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!”
04 Sep 10 Joke – cooler head prevails
When the Sheiks’ oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to cut back on expenses quickly. As much as he hated to, he knew he would have to give-up most of his harem. He decided to find out which ones performed best in all aspects of sex and retain just those few. Nite after nite the “contest” was held. Then one of the younger girls performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she was one of the chosen. “Tell me,” he said, “what is the secret of your fabulous technique?” “What I did, O Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice cubes prior to our session.” replied the girl. “You see, my Mother told me that in most cases, the cooler head always prevails.”
