09 Mar 10 Joke – short jokes11

My family coat of arms ties at the back … is that normal? Learn from your parent’s mistakes. Use birth control… My inferiority complex isn’t as good as yours. If “I am” is the shortest sentence in the world, what is the longest sentence? “I do!” Eliminate Ugly Wrinkles for Good!!! Iron Your Face! Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant kind of like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? … Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again… “If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed… Oh, Wait!! He Does!” Two lovers were parked one dark summer night in Lovers Lane, when all of a sudden she said, “Oh, don’t do that, or I’ll go all to pieces!” He replied, “Go right ahead…I’ve got my hand on the piece I want!” It hurts to be on the cutting edge. If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people A man walks into a therapists office wearing nothing but saran wrap pants, The therapist takes one look at him and says “Clearly I can see your nuts.” Their marriage was going O.K. until they bought a water bed… then they started drifting apart A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, “Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?” The father answered immediately, “I don’t know. No male has lived that long yet.” If electricity comes from electrons… … does that mean that morality comes from morons? Ginger from County of Dade Said, “I think it’s time I got laid.” “My vibrator can tingle” “But it’s not cunnilingual” “And that’s how orgasms are made.” What is the definition of a smart ass? Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is If a cow laughs real hard, does milk come out her nose? I used to be up the creek without a paddle. Now, I’m down the information highway without a modem. How come we choose from just two people for president… and 50 for Miss America?” How do you catch a bra? Set a boobie trap. Go on. Add some variety to your sex life… Use the other hand! I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. A big heavy set housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, “Come here quick, Mike! I’m paralyzed! I can’t get up!” He comes in, takes a look, and says, “Stand up, you silly old bat. You’re kneeling on one of your tits.” A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?” A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.” Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?” The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your dad.” HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, “Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years! I wonder how the girls are doing?” An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Be sure and buy as many wool blankets as you can for this coming winter…. There’s going to be a shortage of afghans. 1} The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. 2) I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me. 4) Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive. 7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 9) BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore. 10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. 11) So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute. 12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 15) I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 16) My kid had sex with your honour student. 17) Earth first…we’ll mind the other planets later. 18) I’m just driving this way to piss you off. 19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 21) I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ. 22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 23) God must love stupid people, he made so many. 24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 28) It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. 29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 30) I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 31) Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself. 32) Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. 33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 36) CAT—– The Other White Meat 37) Beer—– The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon 38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes 39) I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed—–What More Do You Want? 40) Remember My Name——You’ll Be Screaming It Later. 41) Welcome To Shit Creek—–Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles 42) If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother. 43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you’re an asshole. What do you call a taliban that owns a camel and a goat? Bisexual Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? “It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.” A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. The husband who sits under a tree while his wife mows the lawn could be called a “shady character.” Give some husbands enough rope and they’ll skip. About the only voice some husbands have around the house is the invoice. Husbands are like wood fires. When unattended they go out. Lawyers have to like alcohol because they’re always being called to the bar. The detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blackmail. If you’re a gardener, you might call yourself a ‘plant manager’. A gardener buys super seeds to supersede the garden from the previous year. What did the rope say after it got tangled? Oh, no, knot again! The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone , Television , tell-a-woman 1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path. 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids. 7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn’t work? A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko. 11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. (Read it again! Did you get it?) 15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What’s The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! 22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same? Either Way, Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer. What is the difference between a chicken and a baby? Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.