Just Funny Shit

Joke – marriage_proposal

caesarswebmaster — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 06:42:13 +0000

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.” The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, “No problem! I have. I have.” Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.” The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build. I build.” Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.” The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”

Joke – EBONICS X-MAS

caesarswebmaster — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 02:29:47 +0000

xmas in the hood ‘Twas da night befo’ Christmas & all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good. The tube socks was thumbtacked on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill. Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz that’s how we live. And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine. All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin’ phat beats cuz the system’s fly. I bounced to the window at a quarter pas’ ‘Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody’s ass! well anyway…. I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin’ & just mind yo’ bidness. I said, for real doe, come check dis out. We weren’t even buggin’, no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin’ an thumpin’ from around da way Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh. Da beats was kickin’, da ride was phat I said, “Yo red Dawg, you all that!” He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, “Ay yo, give it up, let’s make some noise!” To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!” He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin’ on a 40, he busted a move. I yelled up to Santa, “Yo ain’t got no stack!” he said, “Damn homie, deese projects is wack! But don’t worry black, cuz I gots da skillz I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz.” Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin. He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit’ a b-ball bat. I said, “Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?” he said,”You best get on up out my face!” His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold, His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old. He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side. Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide. A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof, He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof He jumped in his hooptie wit’ rims made of chrome, To tap that booty waitin’ at home. And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty….. “WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!”

Joke – southern churches

caesarswebmaster — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 22:23:42 +0000

Things I’ve learned about Southern Churchs 1. The call to worship is, “Ya’ll come on in now.” 2. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark. 3. The preacher says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering and 5 guys stand up. 4. The restrooms are outside. 5. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. 6. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck, because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.” 7. When it rains, everyone is smiling. 8. Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice. 9. The choir group is known as the “OK Chorale.” 10. The pastor wears boots. 11. Four generations of the same family sit together in worship. 12. There is no such thing as a “secret” sin. 13. Baptism is referred to as “branding.” 14. There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank. 15. Finding and returning lost sheep isn’t just a parable. 16. High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling. 17. People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish. 18. People think “rapture” is when you lift something too heavy. 19. Baptism’s take place in the creek behind the church. 20. The final words of the benediction are, “Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?”

Joke – duckhunter

caesarswebmaster — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 18:31:44 +0000

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to ‘enforce the laws pending.’ He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, ‘Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?’ The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, ‘This here’s a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?’ The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, ‘This here’s an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?’ The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, ‘This here’s an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?’ Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, ‘You’ve got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?’ The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said ‘You’re so smart, YOU tell ME!’

Joke – EBONICS X-MAS

caesarswebmaster — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 14:46:52 +0000

Joke – sex treatment

caesarswebmaster — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 10:46:56 +0000

A 60ish woman went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor: “Please, tell my husband.” The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week. The 70 year old husband replies: “Which days”. The Doctor says: “How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday.” The husband says, “I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays I play golf so she’ll have to take the bus.”

Joke – emotion costume party

caesarswebmaster — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 07:04:50 +0000

A psychology student decides to have a party, and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he writes…… “Theme Party – Come as a Human Emotion”. On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” and the guy says, “I’m green with envy”. “Brilliant” says the host, “come on in and have a drink”. A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” “I’m tickled pink” she replies. “I love it,” says the host, “come on in and join the party.” A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two black guys from Jamaica, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, “Christ guys, what the hell are you doing? What emotion is this supposed to be?” The first guy replies, “Well, I’m fuckin’ discustid, and my friend here is deep in dispear.”

Joke – camping

caesarswebmaster — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 03:05:49 +0000

Joe: “Hey man.. say you went camping with three of your male friends, and you all got really drunk, and the next morning you woke up with a condom sticking out of your ass..would you tell anyone?” Bob: “Hell no.. what do you think I am…crazy? Joe: “Wanna go camping?” (grin)

Joke – too fat to see it

caesarswebmaster — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 23:32:42 +0000

This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he “hadn’t seen his thing in 15 years”. Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, “Why don’t you diet?” Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, “Dye it? What color is it now?”

Joke – doctors having sex

caesarswebmaster — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 19:51:50 +0000

One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they’re both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, “Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun. “The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?” “Yeah, how did you know?” “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.” “Oh, that makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist, aren’t you?” “Yeah,” says the man, a bit taken aback. “How did you know?” The woman answers, “I didn’t feel a fucking thing.