Just Funny Shit

Joke - god created woman

caesarswebmaster — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 17:00:14 +0000

AND GOD CREATED WOMAN And she was good. And she had two arms, two legs, and three breasts. And God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob. And God created man…

Joke - fuck valentines day

caesarswebmaster — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 13:37:13 +0000

Hearts and roses and kisses galore, What the hell is all that shit for? People get mushy and start acting queer, It is definitely the most annoying day of the year. This day needs to get the hell over with and pass, Before I shove something up Cupid’s ass. I’ll spend the day so drunk I can’t speak And wear black for the rest of the week. Guys act all sweet, but soon it will fade, For all they are doing is trying to get laid. The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit, Cause I think this love thing is a crock of shit. So, here’s my story, What else can I say? Love bites my ass, Fuck Valentine’s Day!

Joke - dead ass

caesarswebmaster — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 09:49:35 +0000

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door. When he opened it, he found a donkey standing outside, which immediately fell over dead. Not exactly knowing what to do about the situation, he called the local sheriff and told him about the jackass laying before him. The sheriff couldn’t resist jabbing at the Minister and said, “Pastor, I thought the first duty of the Minister was to bury the dead.” Without hesitation, the Pastor said, “No the first duty of the Minister is to notify the next of kin.”

Joke - cosmetic surgery

caesarswebmaster — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 06:14:18 +0000

Debra and Jenny were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. Debra says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.” Jenny says “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!” To which Debra replies, “Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

Joke - asshole in charge

caesarswebmaster — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 02:18:01 +0000

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. “I should be in charge, “said the brain, “because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen”. I should be in charge” said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you’d all waste away.” “I should be in charge, ” said the stomach,” because I process food and give all of you energy.” “I should be in charge” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.” “I should be in charge” said the eyes, “because I allow the body to see where it goes.” “I should be in charge, “said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.” All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge.

Joke - computers are male

caesarswebmaster — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 22:19:51 +0000

Top Ten Reasons Computers Are Male 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobody’s home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does matter.

Joke - frog wishes

caesarswebmaster — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:47:08 +0000

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.” The woman freed the frog and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!” The woman said, “That would be okay,” and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.” The woman replied, “That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.” So, KAZAM - she’s the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.” So, KAZAM she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Joke - short jokes07

caesarswebmaster — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:31:45 +0000

Q: What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A: They can both smell it but can’t eat it. Q: How is a woman like a condom? A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken? A: By the time you’ve finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What’s the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky? A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods. Q: What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off? A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling. Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A: Full. Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? A: Put a nipple on it. Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down and use a lubricant. Q: What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A: Money!!! Q: What’s the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A: A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body, except his own. Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen. Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? A: It’s not hard. Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A: She is the one who can eat the last donut! Q: What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A: A pick pocket snatches watches. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room. Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? A: They are both used as a meat substitute. Q: What’s the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs? A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year! Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don’t? A: A bellybutton!

Joke - short jokes11

caesarswebmaster — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 12:16:13 +0000

My family coat of arms ties at the back … is that normal? Learn from your parent’s mistakes. Use birth control… My inferiority complex isn’t as good as yours. If “I am” is the shortest sentence in the world, what is the longest sentence? “I do!” Eliminate Ugly Wrinkles for Good!!! Iron Your Face! Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant kind of like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? … Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again… “If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed… Oh, Wait!! He Does!” Two lovers were parked one dark summer night in Lovers Lane, when all of a sudden she said, “Oh, don’t do that, or I’ll go all to pieces!” He replied, “Go right ahead…I’ve got my hand on the piece I want!” It hurts to be on the cutting edge. If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people A man walks into a therapists office wearing nothing but saran wrap pants, The therapist takes one look at him and says “Clearly I can see your nuts.” Their marriage was going O.K. until they bought a water bed… then they started drifting apart A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, “Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?” The father answered immediately, “I don’t know. No male has lived that long yet.” If electricity comes from electrons… … does that mean that morality comes from morons? Ginger from County of Dade Said, “I think it’s time I got laid.” “My vibrator can tingle” “But it’s not cunnilingual” “And that’s how orgasms are made.” What is the definition of a smart ass? Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is If a cow laughs real hard, does milk come out her nose? I used to be up the creek without a paddle. Now, I’m down the information highway without a modem. How come we choose from just two people for president… and 50 for Miss America?” How do you catch a bra? Set a boobie trap. Go on. Add some variety to your sex life… Use the other hand! I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. A big heavy set housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, “Come here quick, Mike! I’m paralyzed! I can’t get up!” He comes in, takes a look, and says, “Stand up, you silly old bat. You’re kneeling on one of your tits.” A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?” A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.” Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?” The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your dad.” HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, “Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years! I wonder how the girls are doing?” An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Be sure and buy as many wool blankets as you can for this coming winter…. There’s going to be a shortage of afghans. 1} The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. 2) I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me. 4) Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive. 7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 9) BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore. 10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. 11) So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute. 12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 15) I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 16) My kid had sex with your honour student. 17) Earth first…we’ll mind the other planets later. 18) I’m just driving this way to piss you off. 19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 21) I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ. 22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 23) God must love stupid people, he made so many. 24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 28) It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. 29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 30) I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 31) Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself. 32) Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. 33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 36) CAT—– The Other White Meat 37) Beer—– The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon 38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes 39) I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed—–What More Do You Want? 40) Remember My Name——You’ll Be Screaming It Later. 41) Welcome To Shit Creek—–Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles 42) If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother. 43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you’re an asshole. What do you call a taliban that owns a camel and a goat? Bisexual Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? “It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.” A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. The husband who sits under a tree while his wife mows the lawn could be called a “shady character.” Give some husbands enough rope and they’ll skip. About the only voice some husbands have around the house is the invoice. Husbands are like wood fires. When unattended they go out. Lawyers have to like alcohol because they’re always being called to the bar. The detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blackmail. If you’re a gardener, you might call yourself a ‘plant manager’. A gardener buys super seeds to supersede the garden from the previous year. What did the rope say after it got tangled? Oh, no, knot again! The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone , Television , tell-a-woman 1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path. 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids. 7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn’t work? A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko. 11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. (Read it again! Did you get it?) 15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What’s The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! 22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same? Either Way, Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer. What is the difference between a chicken and a baby? Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

Joke - george carlinisms

caesarswebmaster — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 07:55:30 +0000

Some simple truths of life by George Carlin 1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses? 8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong? 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 11. Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctorscall what they do “practice?” 13. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?” 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 18. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 19. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 24. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny? 25. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 26. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people. 27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 29. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 32. Women like silent men; they think they’re listening. 33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. 34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 39. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 43. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 45. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?