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03 Sep 10 Joke – humor

International Humor Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example… Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.” The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.” In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.” Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.” The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.” When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe. Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.” An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.” Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.” Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water. Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name. In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink’s eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence the slogan, “Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.” The PC co WANG had unveiled their new slogan a few years ago in Australia. The slogan was unveiled before the employees…. “WANG CARES”. The aussies almost pissed themselves laughing because it sounded like “wankers”.

03 Sep 10 Joke – magregor

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: “Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands.Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..” Then the old man gestured at the bar. “Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo…” Then the old man points out the window. “Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo…” Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. “But ya screw one goat . . . “

03 Sep 10 Joke – What Men Really Mean

What Men Really Mean “I’m going fishing.” Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.” “Let’s take your car.” Really means…. “Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.” “Woman driver.” Really means…. “Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.” “I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.” Really means…. “As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.” “It’s a guy thing.” Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.” “Can I help with dinner?” Really means…. “Why isn’t it already on the table?” “Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” Really mean…. Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling. “Good idea.” Really means…. “It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.” “Have you lost weight?” Really means…. “I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.” “My wife doesn’t understand me.” Really means…. “She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.” “It would take too long to explain.” Really means…. “I have no idea how it works.” “I’m getting more exercise lately.” Really means…. “The batteries in the remote are dead.” “I got a lot done.” Really means…. “I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.” “We’re going to be late.” Really means…. “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.” “Hey, I’ve read all the classics.” Really means…. “I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.” “You cook just like my mother used to.” Really means…. “She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.” “I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.” Really means…. “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.” “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.” Really means…. “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.” “That’s interesting, dear.” Really means…. “Are you still talking?” “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.” Really means…. “I forgot our anniversary again.” “You expect too much of me.” Really means…. “You want me to stay awake.” “It’s a really good movie.” Really means…. “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.” “That’s women’s work.” Really means…. “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.” “Will you marry me?” Really means…. “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.” “Go ask your mother.” Really means…. “I am incapable of making a decision.” “You know how bad my memory is.” Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.” “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.” Really means…. “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.” “Football is a man’s game.” Really means…. “Women are generally too smart to play it.” “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.” Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.” “I do help around the house.” Really means…. “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.” “Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.” Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.” “I can’t find it.” Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.” “What did I do this time?” Really means…. “What did you catch me at?” “What do you mean, you need new clothes?” Really means…. “You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.” “She’s one of those rabid feminists.” Really means…. “She refused to make my coffee.” “But I hate to go shopping.” Really means…. “Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.” “No, I left plenty of gas in the car.” Really means…. “You may actually get it to start.” “I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.” Really means…. “I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.” “I heard you.” Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.” “You know I could never love anyone else.” Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.” “You look terrific.” Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.” “I brought you a present.” Really means…. “It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.” “I missed you.” Really means…. “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.” “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.” Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again.” “We share the housework.” Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.” “This relationship is getting too serious.” Really means…. “I like you more than my truck.” “I recycle.” Really means…. “We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.” “Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.” Really means…. “Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?” “It sure snowed last night.” Really means…. “I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.” “It’s good beer.” Really means…. “It was on sale.” “I don’t need to read the instructions.” Really means…. “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.” “I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.” Really means…. “If I wait long enough you’ll get frustated and buy a new one.” “I broke up with her.” Really means…. “She dumped me.” “I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.” Really means…. “Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”

03 Sep 10 Joke – ass survey

In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five percent said they didn’t care – they would have married him anyway!!

03 Sep 10 Joke – little cowboy

A LITTLE BOY WALKED INTO AN ICE CREAM SHOP WEARING A COWBOY HAT AND A PAIR OF SIX SHOOTERS. HE ASKED THE ASSISTANT FOR AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE. THE ASSISTANT ASKED, “DO YOU WANT YOUR NUTS CRUSHED?” THE LITTLE BOY WHIPPED OUT HIS GUNS, POINTED THEM AT HER AND SAID,”DO YOU WANT YOUR TITS SHOT OFF?”

02 Sep 10 Joke – cinderella

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. “First, you must wear a diaphragm.” Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?” “You must be home by 2 am. Any later, and ynur diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5 am, Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and satisfied. “Where have you been?” demands the fairy godmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!” “I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.” “I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!” “I can’t remember, exactly …Peter Peter, something or other….

02 Sep 10 Joke – cyber claus

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse. No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter. There’d be no damn reindeer, and so stupid clatter. There’d be no fat elf, coming through my chimney. I’ll be alone, my computer and me. I won’t race to the window, to see him arrive. I’ll just sit right here…with windows ninety-five. There’s no one I know, as I’m surfing around. None of my regular buddies are found. I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out. Age, sex, location is all that’s about. As, I was about to go check out the net. I got an E-mail which I didn’t expect. A lady told me, she had read my profile. And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while. She said, if I didn’t, then she would just leave. But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve. She said, it’s the first time, she’d ever been on. But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun. She said, the computer, was usually locked tight. But, she said, her husband, left it on… tonight. He’s away on some business; He’ll be gone all night. So, she thought she’d use it, ” I guess it’s all right.” She started to tell me, about her whole life. How she was expected to be a good wife. She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs. Because she was forced, to do such silly deeds. She talked on and on, from one thing to the next. Then finally told me…..she was oversexed. She didn’t have sex, with her husband, she told. He was always too busy, and getting too old. Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex. She asked me to teach her , to have cyber-sex. I said, if she wanted me to, that I could. Then after an hour, she got really good. After five hours, my fingers were sore. I told her, that I couldn’t go anymore. She said, that was fine, because she was tired too. And anyway, her husband, soon would be due. She said she would be on, the same time next year. Then asked, if I wouldn’t mind, meeting her here. She said only…on this night, she could be found It is only…this night, her husband leaves town. She said bye, and signed off…and i had to pause. I think I just cybered . . . . . . with Mrs. Santa Claus ! ! ! !

02 Sep 10 Joke – work comments

Workplace Comeback Lines Obviously you’re unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and simplistic world-view. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!? I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. I’ll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you’ll go away. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. How about never? Is never good for you? I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication. You’re just jealous because the little voices talk to ME. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message… I don’t work here. I’m a consultant. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

02 Sep 10 Joke – job security

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he’d have to withhold 10 percent of Joe’s wages to pay for the repairs. “How much will it cost?” he asked. “About $4,500,” said the owner. “What a relief!” said Joe. “I’ve finally got job security!”

02 Sep 10 Joke – disabled swimming contest

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my !@#$% ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!”