15 Mar 10 Joke - Clinton
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with “This was England’s finest hour.” Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, ” Winston Churchill.” “Congratulations said the teacher you may go home.” The teacher then said, “Ask not what your country can do for you.” Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, “John F. Kennedy”. “Very good” says the teacher, “you may go.” Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, “I wish those girls would just shut up.” Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, “Bill Clinton. I’ll see you Monday.”
15 Mar 10 Joke - russian new car
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he’s not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman “Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?” he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. “Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?” The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. “I’m sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?” Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. “That’s a relief!” says Morris. “The plumber is coming that morning.”
15 Mar 10 Joke - birds and the bees
A father asks his ten-year old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. “Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at the age of six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech. If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really fuck, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
14 Mar 10 Joke - good bad ugly2
> >> > Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids > >> > Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills > >> > Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them > >> > Good: Your son studies a lot in his room > >> > Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. > >> > Ugly: You’re in them > >> > Good: Your husband understands fashion > >> > Bad: He’s a cross-dresser > >> > Ugly: He looks better than you > >> > Good: Your son’s finally maturing > >> > Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door > >> > Ugly: So are you > >> > Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter > >> > Bad: She keeps interrupting > >> > Ugly: With corrections> >> > > >> > Good: Your wife’s not talking to you > >> > Bad: She wants a divorce > >> > Ugly: She’s a lawyer > >> > Good: The postman’s early > >> > Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 > >> > Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas> >> > > >> > Good: You’re daughter got a new job > >> > Bad: As a hooker > >> > Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients > >> > Way ugly: She makes more money than you do> >> > > >> > Good: You’re son is dating someone new > >> > Bad: It’s another man > >> > Ugly: He’s you’re best friend > >> > Good: You’re wife is pregnant. > >> > Bad: It’s triplets > >> > Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
14 Mar 10 Joke - ever sleep with a redhead
There were two old men sitting on a park bench. A blonde woman walks by. One old man says to the other one “ever sleep with a blonde” the other old man says “many a time. Many a time.” A brunette then walks by. The old man says to the other. “Ever sleep with a brunette” the other old man says “many a time. Many a time.” A redhead walks by the old man says to the other “ever sleep with a redhead.” The other old man says “not a wink”
14 Mar 10 Joke - insults
“Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!” “How many times do I have to flush before you go away?” “I’m not your type. I’m don’t have an “L” tattooed on my forehead “And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be…..?” “Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.” “Wait…I’m trying to imagine you as a winner” “Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?” ” You are depriving some village of an idiot.”
14 Mar 10 Joke - chain letter, I admit
1. Big companies don’t do business via chain letters. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. Procter and Gamble is not part of a satanic cult or scheme, and its logo is not satanic. MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward something to the most people. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on “just in case it’s true”. Furthermore, just because someone said in a message, four generations back, that “we checked it out and it’s legit,” does not actually make it true. 2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, see http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm. And I quote: “The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have.” That’s “none” as in “zero”. Not even your friend’s cousin. 3. Neiman Marcus doesn’t really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don’t, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on. 4. If the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain letter? 5. There is no “Good Times” virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with viruses. Try: http://www.norton.com. And even then, don’t forward it. We don’t care. And you cannot get a virus from a flashing IM or email, you have to download … ya know, like, a FILE! 6. There is no gang initiation plot to murder any motorist who flashes headlights at another car driving at night without lights. 7. If you’re using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the “HTML encoding.” Those of us on Unix shells can’t read it and don’t care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser since you’re probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway. 8. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who’s received it over the last 6 months. And it sure wouldn’t hurt to get rid of all the “>>” that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times we’ve probably already seen it. 9. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is no longer a “little boy” either. 10. The “Make a Wish” foundation is a real organization doing fine work, but they have had to establish a special toll free hot line in response to the large number of Internet hoaxes using their good name and reputation. It is distracting them from the important work they do. 11. If you are one of those insufferable idiots who forwards any thing that “promises” something bad will happen if you “don’t,” then something bad will happen to you if I ever meet you in a dark alley. 12. Women really are suffering in Afghanistan and PBS and NEA funding are still vulnerable to attack (although not at the present time) but forwarding an e-mail won’t help either cause in the least. If you want to help, contact your local legislative representative or get in touch with Amnesty International or the Red Cross. As a general rule, e-mail “signatures” are easily faked and mean nothing to anyone with any power to do anything about whatever the competition is complaining about. 13. The CDC has not issued a warning about flesh-eating bananas arriving in the US. Check their website for legit warnings. 14. There is no bill pending before Congress that will allow long distance companies to charge you for using the Internet.) Bottom Line … composing e-mail or posting something on the Net is as easy as writing on the walls of a public restroom. Don’t automatically believe it until it’s proven false … ASSUME it’s false, unless there is proof that it’s true. Now forward this to everyone you know or the program I just put on your hard drive while you read this E-mail will open up your CD-ROM and reach out and slap you upside the head!
14 Mar 10 Joke - afghanistan first aid
A group of U.S. marines arriving in Afganistan found themselves taking a surprise refresher course on first aid. Following an involved lesson on making splints, dressing wounds and applying tourniquets to stop bleeding, the instructor decided to determine how well the marine class had grasped the information given. “Goldberg ,” he said, pointing to one of the marines, “say you captured Bin Laden and find he has sustained a minor head wound, what do you do about it?” “That’s easy, Sir,” said Goldberg. “I wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stops.”
14 Mar 10 Joke - 2 boyfriends
“I’m telling you, Joz, I’ve never been happier”, Vayl told her friend. “I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous…handsome, sensitive, caring and considerate.” What in the world do you need the second one for?” Joz asked. “Oh,” Vayl replied, “the second one is straight.”
13 Mar 10 Joke - Clinton
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with “This was England’s finest hour.” Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, ” Winston Churchill.” “Congratulations said the teacher you may go home.” The teacher then said, “Ask not what your country can do for you.” Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, “John F. Kennedy”. “Very good” says the teacher, “you may go.” Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, “I wish those girls would just shut up.” Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, “Bill Clinton. I’ll see you Monday.”
