08 Feb 10 Joke - shit
Shit Happens Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it… Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language! CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, tell others to eat shit and die and yell out “Holy shit!” You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and Shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Then there is another shitty day in paradise. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don’t want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else. Hope you enjoyed this shit!
08 Feb 10 Joke - bush-cheney
Why would the Bush - Cheney administration be better than the Clinton Administration has been? At least when Bush thinks with his Dick, something may get accomplished.
08 Feb 10 Joke - elevator
After gaining a small family inheritance, a small-town family was visiting a mall. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “Paw, what’s ‘at?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Boy, go git yer Ma.”
08 Feb 10 Joke - choosing a wife
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.” The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.” The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.” The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money… … He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits…
08 Feb 10 Joke - Loaded Questions
Loaded Questions…… Be careful! GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER 1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? 2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? 3). What can you find in a man’s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? 4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? 5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman? 6). What does a dog do that you can step into? 7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can’t get one you can use your hands? 8). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? 9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages? 10). What is it that all men have one of; it’s longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn’t use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married? ANSWERS: 1. (talk) 2. (legs) 3. (a twenty dollar bill) 4. (firetruck) 5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt) 6. (pants) 7. (fork) 8. (Almond Joy candy bar) 9. (grit) 10. (last name)
07 Feb 10 Joke - easter prank
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then storms outside and beats the shit out of the peacock.
07 Feb 10 Joke - versions of the I LOVE YOU virus
SPINOFFS OF THE “I LOVE YOU VIRUS” Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of “I Love You” variations and how to recognize them: - The “I Love You, But I’m Shy” virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar. - The “Love The One You’re With” virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade. - The “Happily Married” virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life. - The “Unhappily Married” virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time. - The “I Want A Divorce” virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer isn’t working and takes half of your computer’s best data in an ugly network session. - The “Stalker” virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries to record all of its functions. - The “Forever Single” virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it. - The “Deadbeat Dad” virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
07 Feb 10 Joke - cruel things to say to a man
30 cruel things to say to a naked man……… 1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahhhh, it’s cute. 3. Why don’t we just cuddle? 4. You know they have surgery to fix that. 5. Make it dance. 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 7. Wow, and your feet are so big. 8. It’s OK, we’ll work around it. 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10. Oh no… a flash headache. 11. (giggle and point) 12. Can I be honest with you? 13. How sweet, you brought incense!! 14. This explains your car. 15. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow. 16. Why is God punishing me? 17. At least this won’t take long. 18. I never saw one like that before. 19. But it still works, right? 20. It looks so unused. 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes? 23. Are you cold? 24. If you get me real drunk first. 25. Is that an optical illusion? 26. What is that? 27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents. 28. Does it come with an air pump? 29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality. 30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
07 Feb 10 Joke - dsylexic robbers
Two dyslexic bank robbers walk into a bank shouting: Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a fuckup!
07 Feb 10 Joke - sick things to do when bored in the facilities
-Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate- 1.Stick yor palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,”May I borrow a highlighter?” 2.Say “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.” 3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise 4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.” 5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit!! My glass eye!!” 6. Say “Damn, this water is cold.” 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toliet bowl from a high place. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, “Now how did that get there?” 9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.” 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,”Whoa ! Easy boy !!” 11. Say,” Interesting….more sinkers than floaters” 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of yourneighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please? 13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!! 14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot” 15. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?” 16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks 17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down you “Cross- Dressors Anonymous”newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall. 18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!” 19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free” >>
